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Friday, April 30, 2010

Busy but fine

It was another very busy day today but I didn't feel sick. I slept early enough last night, as planned, and woke up fine. The pain in the back of my eyes is gone - for good, I hope. I tried to take it all in stride today and it was a productive day. I got tons done and managed to stay calm through it all. I'm glad it's the weekend, though. I hope to get more sleep the next couple of days and, hopefully, by Monday, I'll be brand new again.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

So far so good

I felt alright today. I didn't go to bed till 11:30 pm last night and woke up at 6 am today but I was fine all day and actually got a lot of work done. No fever and the ache in the back of my eyes was gone. No headache either. I left work at 4:30 pm today - usual time and came home and relaxed. I'm going to attempt to sleep before 10 pm tonight and, hopefully, by the weekend should be fine again.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Time for the ultimate test

Back in January 2009, I had to pull a few late nighters at work (like, serious late nights till 10 pm). Around that time, I started going through a flare. It was the stress of working late and working on time-consuming, minuscule spreadsheets. I went through a crazy flare that lasted about 10 days. The fever came about 2 days after the dull ache in the back of my eyes started. I ignored it, of course, and it blew into a full-fledged flare. I didn't have meds at the time but the late nights stopped and the fever went away on its own.

Today, I had to work late again. Not like the last time where I was at work till 10 pm but late enough. And I wasn't looking at spreadsheets today but I felt the familiar ache in the my back of my eyes. It's clear that I've stressed my body. Now, I need to figure this out. If I take it easy the next few days, will it go away on its own or will I need to call for reinforcements? Will this dull ache progress into a fever? Will I need to resort to the Prednisone? Let's see... I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

7.5 months later

I remember that day so clearly. Tuesday, September 8, 2009. I remember twitching a little when I grabbed my cereal box from under the counter. I remember putting my cereal bowl into the microwave and the uncontrollable convulsions that overtook my body. I remember seeing the cute paramedic leaning down and asking me what my name was and what day it was. I didn't remember it at the time - I'd just come out of a grand mal seizure - but I remember it well now. I remember lying on the stretcher in emergency, wondering what was going on with my body. Why it was failing me like this.

It's been 7.5 months since that day. I thank god everyday for all that I have now. My health, my happiness, my peace of mind, my family. I have learned so much over the last 7.5 months. Perhaps most importantly, I've learned to stop feeling guilty. I don't feel guilty about sleeping more if I need to. I don't feel guilty about working late if I need to. I don't feel guilty about going out with my friends when I want to. I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself. I don't feel guilty - period. And that in itself has lifted this gigantic, invisible weight off my shoulders.

I have learned that I can't do it all. I'm not having another child. I'm not going to finish my undergraduate degree. I might not get a promotion anytime soon. But I'm at peace. I have learned to appreciate all that I have. I have learned to accept that my life is predestined, but I haven't stopped dreaming. I believe that in the face of what I went through, I have emerged a more confident person and, if there are more trials ahead of me, I know I will manage.

I've lost and I've regained and I've learned that losing isn't so bad after all - as long as you can see what you gained out of the loss.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Sleep problems

I struggle with sleep. Ever since I've been back at work, I'm having trouble getting into a routine. I know I need 9 hours of sleep at a minimum. If I wake up at 6 am, I need to be in bed by 9 pm. In theory anyway. Now, that's where the problem comes in.

See, I come home by 5:30 pm. I change out of my work clothes and get to work right away on eating dinner and preparing mine and Camran's lunch for the next day. I also clean up the kitchen, load the dishwasher and wash the non-dishwasher dishes. I usually finish around 7 pm at which point, Camran generally comes home from karate and I start his bedtime routine (which includes looking over his homework if he had school, go through his word lists, bath, brush teeth, settle into bed, read a book, stay with him while he says his surahs and duas and then 5 mins of quiet time). By that time it's generally 8:15 pm to 8:30 pm. Then I go for a shower, change into pajamas, tune into Jango, write a blog post, read the blogs I follow, catch up on facebook or other stuff I can't do at work which usually brings me to at least 9:30 pm. By that time, Aamir comes upstairs and watches TV.

Since I've started working, it now takes me up to 90 mins to fall asleep. I toss and turn and I just can't sleep. This is a foreign feeling for me. Before I got sick (or maybe it was because of the impending ill health), I used to be able to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. These days I don't sleep till 11 pm! That's too late. You'd think after all the stuff I have to do, I would just pass right out, right? But that doesn't happen. And it's not that I just don't need the sleep (like those wonderful Prednisone days). I do have trouble waking up the next morning and, even though I don't get sleepy during the day, I can feel myself depleted of energy by the time I have to repeat the evening routine the following day. The following night, I generally fall asleep within 30 mins but I don't think this is healthy.

So, at best, I'm getting 8 hours of sleep and, at worse, I get 7 hours of sleep. Not a big deal for a normal, non-lupite, I suppose. But given this condition, I really need to get more sleep. Ideally, I should be asleep by 9 pm, meaning I should be in bed by 8:30 pm. The worse part is that I'm not even including any of the extra stuff that I would like to do - like working out, spending time with Aamir, working on my novel, or spending time with friends.

I know this will pass and I just need to get into the groove but, it's hard while I figure all this out. Working full-time and caring for a child all while having a chronic illness is hard. It's times like this when I am very happy with my decision to stop trying for another child. Having a 2nd child to care for would be unthinkable in my condition - never mind being pregnant and trying to do all of the above.