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Saturday, March 27, 2010

How much is too much?

I was reading a blog post "Giving up isn't giving in" from a blog I follow, Despite Lupus. Something in the post struck me. Sara Gorman talks about giving in and allowing yourself concessions because of the disease. She says that when you try to "fight" the disease and do everything the way you would when you were feeling 100%, that just makes the condition worse. Doing too much and pushing yourself beyond your own limit causes flares.

But, my question is, how do you know how much is too much? I understand now that trying for another baby is too much. Attempting to finish my degree is too much. Taking the cheaper and longer commute is too much. But I do not believe (and never did believe) that going back to work and working towards a promotion is too much. I do not believe that my goal of sending Camran to private school is too much.

I'll go back to an older post where I said that everything in this universe (and beyond) is part of a grand design - God's grand design. Events unfold in life and guide us along the way to make the choices we do. I was all set to try again for Baby #2 this cycle. Then I stumbled upon a message board on Babycenter.com called "Parents of Only Children" and within 48 hours I was convinced that I should just leave well enough alone and stop trying for another baby, realising that getting pregnant again would wreak havoc on my body all over again. My stumbling upon the message board and reading the posts led me to make my decision. It was my stumbling upon the board that was part of the grand design. The decision was mine (though I'm not trying to say that it wasn't all predestined - I was meant to make that decision all along - I just needed to have events take place before I could make the decision).

Last week, I found out that the VP of my department is pregnant. An event has unfolded that will, no doubt, have an effect on my future with the department. Her life has inexorably affected mine. Things like this reinforce my belief that everything that's meant to happen does happen one way or another. I'm back at work and I feel energetic when I'm there. This just shows me that my being at work is the right thing to do and is not too much for me, not in my books.

Not only am I really, really positive about my life at the moment, I'm really hopeful about the future too. This illness has brought me closer to understanding things about myself that I took for granted in the past. I know my limitations and I know what I need to focus on to stay healthy and at peace. If there was ever a time when I thought to myself "Why me?", I fully understand the answer to that question today.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Perinatologist appointment

I had my appointment with the Perinatologist today. He was super nice! What a difference from my regular ob-gyn!! In a nutshell, he said that miscarriages, in general, just happen. Most times it's because of chromosomal abnormalities and have nothing to do with any real "problem". However, in light of the fact that I have been newly diagnosed with Lupus, the general consensus is that the disease must be under control before getting pregnant for the overall health of the mother and the baby. He said the ideal state would be to be on the lowest medication possible to have the disease under control. I told him that I've been flare-free for 6 months now but I've been in remission for 13 months in the past without medication, so 6 months doesn't mean much.

He said that the best thing for me to do is to get back in touch with Dr. Carl Laskin (the best in North American in rheumatology and perinatology) since I've seen him in the past. He said that Dr. Laskin would run bloodwork and give the go ahead based on that on whether we can start trying for another baby and when.

Once I get pregnant, I would see Dr. Shilletto as my primary ob-gyn and deliver the baby at North York General Hospital (not Mt. Sinai or York Central). He also said that I should see a new Neurologist at North York General. That's perfectly fine by me - I never did like Dr. Licorish much anyway.

Now, I must share this... Aamir and I have been talking about just stopping now and not trying for another baby - ever. We have Camran and he's the perfect little child. He is intelligent, quick-witted and cute. Do we really want to risk trying for another baby, risk another flare, risk another miscarriage, risk another seizure and go back to the whole diaper/crying/feeding stage all over again? Taking all that into consideration, I was completely OK with stopping while we're ahead. Well, let's see what happens. I mean, just because the doctors say that it's ok to have another child, doesn't mean that we have to have another one, right? I'll still book the appointment with Dr. Laskin in case there's an oops pregnancy but I don't know if we're actually going to actively try anymore. I promise to keep you posted.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

It has begun...

I went back to work for the first time in 9.5 months. It was amazing. I actually enjoyed myself and the slight pain in the back of my neck at the end of the day actually made me feel accomplished.

KM, my replacement, went through all of the open projects that she will be transitioning over to me. I used my brain. I asked good questions. I had an hour long conversation about "stuff" with my boss. I saw a whole bunch of people who looked genuinely happy to see me.

I'm glad I took the easy way out and took tomorrow off. I need a break. It was information overload today and, even though I loved every minute of it, I'm happy I have a break tomorrow. Also, waking up at 5:30 am to get dressed for work was not the most pleasant thing in the world. I'm looking forward to just sleeping in tomorrow till 7 am - haha.