Surprise!

I remember a post long ago where I said that decisions are made by us but the universe conspires to make things happen in a certain grand design. Well, it turns out that God had plans about my future, which I obviously didn't know about when I wrote my last big post.

I went back to work and everything seemed to be working out just fine. I'd learned to manage the stresses of work and the stresses of home and find the balance somewhere in between. Then, on August 2, I was thrown another curve ball. And I had NO idea how to react.

Shockingly, I found out I was pregnant! Almost 5 weeks along, based on my best guess calculation. That day was a holiday from work and we had just returned from vacation. I was so shocked, I think I spent that entire day in denial. The next day I called Dr. Laskin's office and they had me come in that afternoon for a blood test to confirm. They called me back within a couple hours and confirmed. Yes, I was indeed pregnant. And due on Apr 7, 2011.

Still, I refused to believe it. Even if it was true, I thought it would end the same way the others had - at the 8-week marker and without warning. I wasn't holding my breath. Dr. Laskin's office called me in for an ultrasound at 7 weeks and then again at 8 weeks. Miraculously , both ultrasounds were perfectly normal and the baby was growing well, it seemed.

I started wondering whether maybe this one was going to last but I didn't breathe easy until the 12-week ultrasound on September 25 and I heard the heartbeat. A strong 163 bpm heartbeat. On November 10, we found out that it's a boy. Yes, another one. And told Camran who is over the moon happy.

I am coming up to 6 months on Dec 16 and I've felt the baby move several times. I'm seeing Dr. Laskin every 4 weeks and Dr. Shilletto every 4 weeks. I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks and I'm part of this prenatal study that Dr. Laskin is working on. I haven't had any flare-like symptoms and the initial first trimester fatigue has disappeared too.

Over the upcoming x-mas holidays, we will be moving Camran's furniture into the guest bedroom and converting Camran's old room into a nursery for the baby. We've started thinking about names but haven't really agreed on anything. I know I won't rest easy about this pregnancy until I have the baby in my arms. There are too many possible complications and too many possible risks that I refuse to contemplate and I refuse to plan for.

I'm still terrified about having two kids. No one I speak to is in the same boat with a chronic illness and a full-time job. But more on curveballs and decisions in another post... I'll let you guys digest this one first.

Great news!

I had a neurologist appointment on Tuesday this week and she said I could finally get my driver's license back! She said she would send the letter to the ministry on Tuesday so I'm expecting to hear back from them in two weeks.

Following-up on last week's posts, I'm feeling great again. I did rest up on the weekend and have managed to stay calm and relaxed at work and at home. I have slept enough this past week and I'm feeling quite well. Whatever that was a week ago, has now gone and I'm hoping that I've finally figured out how to deal with this illness without drowning.

Busy but fine

It was another very busy day today but I didn't feel sick. I slept early enough last night, as planned, and woke up fine. The pain in the back of my eyes is gone - for good, I hope. I tried to take it all in stride today and it was a productive day. I got tons done and managed to stay calm through it all. I'm glad it's the weekend, though. I hope to get more sleep the next couple of days and, hopefully, by Monday, I'll be brand new again.

So far so good

I felt alright today. I didn't go to bed till 11:30 pm last night and woke up at 6 am today but I was fine all day and actually got a lot of work done. No fever and the ache in the back of my eyes was gone. No headache either. I left work at 4:30 pm today - usual time and came home and relaxed. I'm going to attempt to sleep before 10 pm tonight and, hopefully, by the weekend should be fine again.

Time for the ultimate test

Back in January 2009, I had to pull a few late nighters at work (like, serious late nights till 10 pm). Around that time, I started going through a flare. It was the stress of working late and working on time-consuming, minuscule spreadsheets. I went through a crazy flare that lasted about 10 days. The fever came about 2 days after the dull ache in the back of my eyes started. I ignored it, of course, and it blew into a full-fledged flare. I didn't have meds at the time but the late nights stopped and the fever went away on its own.

Today, I had to work late again. Not like the last time where I was at work till 10 pm but late enough. And I wasn't looking at spreadsheets today but I felt the familiar ache in the my back of my eyes. It's clear that I've stressed my body. Now, I need to figure this out. If I take it easy the next few days, will it go away on its own or will I need to call for reinforcements? Will this dull ache progress into a fever? Will I need to resort to the Prednisone? Let's see... I'll keep you posted.

7.5 months later

I remember that day so clearly. Tuesday, September 8, 2009. I remember twitching a little when I grabbed my cereal box from under the counter. I remember putting my cereal bowl into the microwave and the uncontrollable convulsions that overtook my body. I remember seeing the cute paramedic leaning down and asking me what my name was and what day it was. I didn't remember it at the time - I'd just come out of a grand mal seizure - but I remember it well now. I remember lying on the stretcher in emergency, wondering what was going on with my body. Why it was failing me like this.

It's been 7.5 months since that day. I thank god everyday for all that I have now. My health, my happiness, my peace of mind, my family. I have learned so much over the last 7.5 months. Perhaps most importantly, I've learned to stop feeling guilty. I don't feel guilty about sleeping more if I need to. I don't feel guilty about working late if I need to. I don't feel guilty about going out with my friends when I want to. I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself. I don't feel guilty - period. And that in itself has lifted this gigantic, invisible weight off my shoulders.

I have learned that I can't do it all. I'm not having another child. I'm not going to finish my undergraduate degree. I might not get a promotion anytime soon. But I'm at peace. I have learned to appreciate all that I have. I have learned to accept that my life is predestined, but I haven't stopped dreaming. I believe that in the face of what I went through, I have emerged a more confident person and, if there are more trials ahead of me, I know I will manage.

I've lost and I've regained and I've learned that losing isn't so bad after all - as long as you can see what you gained out of the loss.

Sleep problems

I struggle with sleep. Ever since I've been back at work, I'm having trouble getting into a routine. I know I need 9 hours of sleep at a minimum. If I wake up at 6 am, I need to be in bed by 9 pm. In theory anyway. Now, that's where the problem comes in.

See, I come home by 5:30 pm. I change out of my work clothes and get to work right away on eating dinner and preparing mine and Camran's lunch for the next day. I also clean up the kitchen, load the dishwasher and wash the non-dishwasher dishes. I usually finish around 7 pm at which point, Camran generally comes home from karate and I start his bedtime routine (which includes looking over his homework if he had school, go through his word lists, bath, brush teeth, settle into bed, read a book, stay with him while he says his surahs and duas and then 5 mins of quiet time). By that time it's generally 8:15 pm to 8:30 pm. Then I go for a shower, change into pajamas, tune into Jango, write a blog post, read the blogs I follow, catch up on facebook or other stuff I can't do at work which usually brings me to at least 9:30 pm. By that time, Aamir comes upstairs and watches TV.

Since I've started working, it now takes me up to 90 mins to fall asleep. I toss and turn and I just can't sleep. This is a foreign feeling for me. Before I got sick (or maybe it was because of the impending ill health), I used to be able to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. These days I don't sleep till 11 pm! That's too late. You'd think after all the stuff I have to do, I would just pass right out, right? But that doesn't happen. And it's not that I just don't need the sleep (like those wonderful Prednisone days). I do have trouble waking up the next morning and, even though I don't get sleepy during the day, I can feel myself depleted of energy by the time I have to repeat the evening routine the following day. The following night, I generally fall asleep within 30 mins but I don't think this is healthy.

So, at best, I'm getting 8 hours of sleep and, at worse, I get 7 hours of sleep. Not a big deal for a normal, non-lupite, I suppose. But given this condition, I really need to get more sleep. Ideally, I should be asleep by 9 pm, meaning I should be in bed by 8:30 pm. The worse part is that I'm not even including any of the extra stuff that I would like to do - like working out, spending time with Aamir, working on my novel, or spending time with friends.

I know this will pass and I just need to get into the groove but, it's hard while I figure all this out. Working full-time and caring for a child all while having a chronic illness is hard. It's times like this when I am very happy with my decision to stop trying for another child. Having a 2nd child to care for would be unthinkable in my condition - never mind being pregnant and trying to do all of the above.

How much is too much?

I was reading a blog post "Giving up isn't giving in" from a blog I follow, Despite Lupus. Something in the post struck me. Sara Gorman talks about giving in and allowing yourself concessions because of the disease. She says that when you try to "fight" the disease and do everything the way you would when you were feeling 100%, that just makes the condition worse. Doing too much and pushing yourself beyond your own limit causes flares.

But, my question is, how do you know how much is too much? I understand now that trying for another baby is too much. Attempting to finish my degree is too much. Taking the cheaper and longer commute is too much. But I do not believe (and never did believe) that going back to work and working towards a promotion is too much. I do not believe that my goal of sending Camran to private school is too much.

I'll go back to an older post where I said that everything in this universe (and beyond) is part of a grand design - God's grand design. Events unfold in life and guide us along the way to make the choices we do. I was all set to try again for Baby #2 this cycle. Then I stumbled upon a message board on Babycenter.com called "Parents of Only Children" and within 48 hours I was convinced that I should just leave well enough alone and stop trying for another baby, realising that getting pregnant again would wreak havoc on my body all over again. My stumbling upon the message board and reading the posts led me to make my decision. It was my stumbling upon the board that was part of the grand design. The decision was mine (though I'm not trying to say that it wasn't all predestined - I was meant to make that decision all along - I just needed to have events take place before I could make the decision).

Last week, I found out that the VP of my department is pregnant. An event has unfolded that will, no doubt, have an effect on my future with the department. Her life has inexorably affected mine. Things like this reinforce my belief that everything that's meant to happen does happen one way or another. I'm back at work and I feel energetic when I'm there. This just shows me that my being at work is the right thing to do and is not too much for me, not in my books.

Not only am I really, really positive about my life at the moment, I'm really hopeful about the future too. This illness has brought me closer to understanding things about myself that I took for granted in the past. I know my limitations and I know what I need to focus on to stay healthy and at peace. If there was ever a time when I thought to myself "Why me?", I fully understand the answer to that question today.

Perinatologist appointment

I had my appointment with the Perinatologist today. He was super nice! What a difference from my regular ob-gyn!! In a nutshell, he said that miscarriages, in general, just happen. Most times it's because of chromosomal abnormalities and have nothing to do with any real "problem". However, in light of the fact that I have been newly diagnosed with Lupus, the general consensus is that the disease must be under control before getting pregnant for the overall health of the mother and the baby. He said the ideal state would be to be on the lowest medication possible to have the disease under control. I told him that I've been flare-free for 6 months now but I've been in remission for 13 months in the past without medication, so 6 months doesn't mean much.

He said that the best thing for me to do is to get back in touch with Dr. Carl Laskin (the best in North American in rheumatology and perinatology) since I've seen him in the past. He said that Dr. Laskin would run bloodwork and give the go ahead based on that on whether we can start trying for another baby and when.

Once I get pregnant, I would see Dr. Shilletto as my primary ob-gyn and deliver the baby at North York General Hospital (not Mt. Sinai or York Central). He also said that I should see a new Neurologist at North York General. That's perfectly fine by me - I never did like Dr. Licorish much anyway.

Now, I must share this... Aamir and I have been talking about just stopping now and not trying for another baby - ever. We have Camran and he's the perfect little child. He is intelligent, quick-witted and cute. Do we really want to risk trying for another baby, risk another flare, risk another miscarriage, risk another seizure and go back to the whole diaper/crying/feeding stage all over again? Taking all that into consideration, I was completely OK with stopping while we're ahead. Well, let's see what happens. I mean, just because the doctors say that it's ok to have another child, doesn't mean that we have to have another one, right? I'll still book the appointment with Dr. Laskin in case there's an oops pregnancy but I don't know if we're actually going to actively try anymore. I promise to keep you posted.

It has begun...

I went back to work for the first time in 9.5 months. It was amazing. I actually enjoyed myself and the slight pain in the back of my neck at the end of the day actually made me feel accomplished.

KM, my replacement, went through all of the open projects that she will be transitioning over to me. I used my brain. I asked good questions. I had an hour long conversation about "stuff" with my boss. I saw a whole bunch of people who looked genuinely happy to see me.

I'm glad I took the easy way out and took tomorrow off. I need a break. It was information overload today and, even though I loved every minute of it, I'm happy I have a break tomorrow. Also, waking up at 5:30 am to get dressed for work was not the most pleasant thing in the world. I'm looking forward to just sleeping in tomorrow till 7 am - haha.

I haven't posted here in a long time but that's a good thing. It just means that life is almost normal now. I sleep well, I stay awake all day, I'm almost done with my novel. In general, life is pretty good right now.

My in-laws return from their 3-month trip this Monday and I return to work on Tuesday. Only 2 days next week and the week after that. I'm so looking forward to going back.

I know this gradual return to work is a good thing, and it's what the doctor recommended, but I wish I was going back full-time already. I'm longing for routine again. I overslept this morning because I couldn't sleep last night and Camran had to miss school. And today was "Special Helper" day too. He was so sad. I made it up to him by allowing him to have Cheerios for breakfast (instead of eggs and turkey) and extra time on his PS3. That made him a little happier. I just feel like if I was back into a proper routine, I wouldn't have the option of sleeping in or staying up late at night, you know?

Anyway, the important thing is that I'm well enough now to go back to what I consider a normal life.

29 days

It has been 29 days since I've been completely off Prednisone. So far so good. My appetite is back to normal - meaning I don't want to wolf down an entire three-course meal every two hours. My weight is at 112 lbs (51 kg) which I'm very happy with. I still nap every now and then and this past week I napped almost everyday but I'm not concerned about that. I think it's better to nap now whenever I can.

So, in a couple of days, it will be exactly 4 weeks before I go back to work. I feel like there's still lots to accomplish before I go back. I have to complete and submit my novel before the end of February. It's coming all fairly well. I'm almost eager to get this one done so I can start on the next one.

One final thing. I met with my ob-gyn about the new Lupus diagnosis and when she thinks it would be ok to start trying again for baby #2. She has referred me to a high-risk ob-gyn so I'm waiting for an appointment with him. This particular doctor is at North York General Hospital. It should take a month before I get the appointment, though. Until then, we just have to sit tight.

Closer to going back

It has been a while - a few updates on the Lupus front. I had my last rheumy appointment on Jan 8 and he was pleased with the bloodwork. He said the Prednisone effects will stay in my system for about a month. We discussed a return-to-work date and settled on Mar 2, going back on a gradual return to work. So, the first two weeks, it'll be two days a week, then three days a week for the next two weeks, then four days a week for another two weeks and finally back to work full-time on Apr 12. Right after my 30th birthday.

Sounds weird that I'm leaving my 20s behind in a few weeks. I can't believe all the things that have happened in the last 10 years. Some good, some bad but I've taken something away from every one of those experiences. I had a son, I lost two unborn babies, I was in health-limbo for two years and I was finally diagnosed with something. I found a wonderful company to work for and I'm glad I'm going back there. I've been able to get all the material things I thought were just a distant dream 10 years ago. From all the things that have happened, the one thing that I've learned, is that God's will is in everything. I was such a planner - always have been. Then I realised that I can plan and have goals and dreams but if they're in my destiny, they'll come true. I've learned to make compromises on the things that aren't in my destiny - the things I know I can't change and I've learned to be happy with those compromises and accept them as willful changes in my life. I wouldn't have given up any one of those life experiences because I do believe I've emerged a stronger woman because of it. A woman who has learned to accept things but learned never to give up finding the good out of the bad.

I've been toying with an idea lately. I want to send Camran to private school. Private schools here are grossly expensive but they so far outweigh the public school systems that it seems like a reasonable way to spend money. This is one of those things, that I feel are part of mine, Aamir's and Camran's destiny (or not). The whole reason I started to look at private school is because they re-zoned our school boundaries and the french school that is our "home" school is too far from home and I'm not too keen on the facilities. I did try to talk to our school Trustee and she said that the school board just changed those boundaries and would not be changed again anytime soon. I feel... and I could be wrong, of course... I feel that this happened for a reason. And my whole logic of sending Camran to private school was a result of this event (the re-zoning) that was out of my control. Let's see. We're looking at Sep 2011, when he goes into Grade 1. He's an intelligent boy and gobbles up anything we throw his way. Plus, I look at the benefit of him getting the bilingual IB Diploma (in french AND english) and it seems like a good idea. I graduated with the IB Diploma and in english only and I still think, 11 years later, that it is THE best university preparatory course. Now, I just have to come up with an extra $25,000 a year! But I'm confident that it'll happen and, if it doesn't, then at least I know that I'd tried everything in my power. The rest was up to God and He felt it wasn't the right option.

That's about it. Pretty heavy for a Thursday night. Be back soon. Hugs.

New Year... no time for failure

Well, the new year is upon us in a big bad way. The temperature in Toronto hasn't gone above minus ten the last three days. The blowing snow cuts through your skin like a precision laser-sharpened swiss army knife. You don't feel it till it leaves you in a pool of blood. Yes, it is that dramatic. And it makes you appreciate the wonderful weather that spring, summer and fall brings.

I'm not one for making new year's resolutions. I stopped making them when I was in the tenth grade and I realised that I never, ever stick to them. I'd rather make smaller, more achievable, more "stickable" goals. So, this year's resolution is simple. Do not skip breakfast. Do not substitute coffee for a nutritious morning meal. Sounds simple enough, right? I think it's something that I will be able to stick to the entire year. Maybe next year I might make a more solid (read universally appealing) resolution. For now, at this stage in my life, I think breakfast is the most important thing I can commit to.

I came off the Prednisone completely on Jan 1. Surprisingly, I have felt absolutely NO effects of dropping the medication. I was expecting to be miserably lethargic, like I was with the last two reductions. On the contrary, I've been energetic and I've been sleeping pretty well at night too. I even stayed up on the first day till almost 2 am and still woke up feeling perfectly fine. That's a pretty good start for 2010, wouldn't you think?

On another note, I've reconnected with some of my friends. I really think I need to get out more. It's too bad that I can't drive but if I can still find a way to get out and meet my friends, then I know I'll be ok when I finally do get my license back. We're also having a small get-together at our house on Jan 23. I'm finally up to having people over and tired of being a recluse. Hope it goes well and my health keeps up.

Happy new year to all of you! Hope the start of this new decade brings a world of good things for everyone. Some of the highlights of the year for me.... one of my friends is to have a baby and I'm ecstatic for her - what a way to start the decade! One of my cousins is getting married. I turn 30 (wow!!) and my mum turns 50 (bigger wow!). I will celebrate my 12th wedding anniversary. I will submit my first manuscript to Harlequin.

Milestones with my readers... feel free to comment here.