Saturday, March 27, 2010

How much is too much?

I was reading a blog post "Giving up isn't giving in" from a blog I follow, Despite Lupus. Something in the post struck me. Sara Gorman talks about giving in and allowing yourself concessions because of the disease. She says that when you try to "fight" the disease and do everything the way you would when you were feeling 100%, that just makes the condition worse. Doing too much and pushing yourself beyond your own limit causes flares.

But, my question is, how do you know how much is too much? I understand now that trying for another baby is too much. Attempting to finish my degree is too much. Taking the cheaper and longer commute is too much. But I do not believe (and never did believe) that going back to work and working towards a promotion is too much. I do not believe that my goal of sending Camran to private school is too much.

I'll go back to an older post where I said that everything in this universe (and beyond) is part of a grand design - God's grand design. Events unfold in life and guide us along the way to make the choices we do. I was all set to try again for Baby #2 this cycle. Then I stumbled upon a message board on called "Parents of Only Children" and within 48 hours I was convinced that I should just leave well enough alone and stop trying for another baby, realising that getting pregnant again would wreak havoc on my body all over again. My stumbling upon the message board and reading the posts led me to make my decision. It was my stumbling upon the board that was part of the grand design. The decision was mine (though I'm not trying to say that it wasn't all predestined - I was meant to make that decision all along - I just needed to have events take place before I could make the decision).

Last week, I found out that the VP of my department is pregnant. An event has unfolded that will, no doubt, have an effect on my future with the department. Her life has inexorably affected mine. Things like this reinforce my belief that everything that's meant to happen does happen one way or another. I'm back at work and I feel energetic when I'm there. This just shows me that my being at work is the right thing to do and is not too much for me, not in my books.

Not only am I really, really positive about my life at the moment, I'm really hopeful about the future too. This illness has brought me closer to understanding things about myself that I took for granted in the past. I know my limitations and I know what I need to focus on to stay healthy and at peace. If there was ever a time when I thought to myself "Why me?", I fully understand the answer to that question today.

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