Back in January 2009, I had to pull a few late nighters at work (like, serious late nights till 10 pm). Around that time, I started going through a flare. It was the stress of working late and working on time-consuming, minuscule spreadsheets. I went through a crazy flare that lasted about 10 days. The fever came about 2 days after the dull ache in the back of my eyes started. I ignored it, of course, and it blew into a full-fledged flare. I didn't have meds at the time but the late nights stopped and the fever went away on its own.
Today, I had to work late again. Not like the last time where I was at work till 10 pm but late enough. And I wasn't looking at spreadsheets today but I felt the familiar ache in the my back of my eyes. It's clear that I've stressed my body. Now, I need to figure this out. If I take it easy the next few days, will it go away on its own or will I need to call for reinforcements? Will this dull ache progress into a fever? Will I need to resort to the Prednisone? Let's see... I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
7.5 months later
I remember that day so clearly. Tuesday, September 8, 2009. I remember twitching a little when I grabbed my cereal box from under the counter. I remember putting my cereal bowl into the microwave and the uncontrollable convulsions that overtook my body. I remember seeing the cute paramedic leaning down and asking me what my name was and what day it was. I didn't remember it at the time - I'd just come out of a grand mal seizure - but I remember it well now. I remember lying on the stretcher in emergency, wondering what was going on with my body. Why it was failing me like this.
It's been 7.5 months since that day. I thank god everyday for all that I have now. My health, my happiness, my peace of mind, my family. I have learned so much over the last 7.5 months. Perhaps most importantly, I've learned to stop feeling guilty. I don't feel guilty about sleeping more if I need to. I don't feel guilty about working late if I need to. I don't feel guilty about going out with my friends when I want to. I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself. I don't feel guilty - period. And that in itself has lifted this gigantic, invisible weight off my shoulders.
I have learned that I can't do it all. I'm not having another child. I'm not going to finish my undergraduate degree. I might not get a promotion anytime soon. But I'm at peace. I have learned to appreciate all that I have. I have learned to accept that my life is predestined, but I haven't stopped dreaming. I believe that in the face of what I went through, I have emerged a more confident person and, if there are more trials ahead of me, I know I will manage.
I've lost and I've regained and I've learned that losing isn't so bad after all - as long as you can see what you gained out of the loss.
It's been 7.5 months since that day. I thank god everyday for all that I have now. My health, my happiness, my peace of mind, my family. I have learned so much over the last 7.5 months. Perhaps most importantly, I've learned to stop feeling guilty. I don't feel guilty about sleeping more if I need to. I don't feel guilty about working late if I need to. I don't feel guilty about going out with my friends when I want to. I don't feel guilty about spending money on myself. I don't feel guilty - period. And that in itself has lifted this gigantic, invisible weight off my shoulders.
I have learned that I can't do it all. I'm not having another child. I'm not going to finish my undergraduate degree. I might not get a promotion anytime soon. But I'm at peace. I have learned to appreciate all that I have. I have learned to accept that my life is predestined, but I haven't stopped dreaming. I believe that in the face of what I went through, I have emerged a more confident person and, if there are more trials ahead of me, I know I will manage.
I've lost and I've regained and I've learned that losing isn't so bad after all - as long as you can see what you gained out of the loss.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sleep problems
I struggle with sleep. Ever since I've been back at work, I'm having trouble getting into a routine. I know I need 9 hours of sleep at a minimum. If I wake up at 6 am, I need to be in bed by 9 pm. In theory anyway. Now, that's where the problem comes in.
See, I come home by 5:30 pm. I change out of my work clothes and get to work right away on eating dinner and preparing mine and Camran's lunch for the next day. I also clean up the kitchen, load the dishwasher and wash the non-dishwasher dishes. I usually finish around 7 pm at which point, Camran generally comes home from karate and I start his bedtime routine (which includes looking over his homework if he had school, go through his word lists, bath, brush teeth, settle into bed, read a book, stay with him while he says his surahs and duas and then 5 mins of quiet time). By that time it's generally 8:15 pm to 8:30 pm. Then I go for a shower, change into pajamas, tune into Jango, write a blog post, read the blogs I follow, catch up on facebook or other stuff I can't do at work which usually brings me to at least 9:30 pm. By that time, Aamir comes upstairs and watches TV.
Since I've started working, it now takes me up to 90 mins to fall asleep. I toss and turn and I just can't sleep. This is a foreign feeling for me. Before I got sick (or maybe it was because of the impending ill health), I used to be able to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. These days I don't sleep till 11 pm! That's too late. You'd think after all the stuff I have to do, I would just pass right out, right? But that doesn't happen. And it's not that I just don't need the sleep (like those wonderful Prednisone days). I do have trouble waking up the next morning and, even though I don't get sleepy during the day, I can feel myself depleted of energy by the time I have to repeat the evening routine the following day. The following night, I generally fall asleep within 30 mins but I don't think this is healthy.
So, at best, I'm getting 8 hours of sleep and, at worse, I get 7 hours of sleep. Not a big deal for a normal, non-lupite, I suppose. But given this condition, I really need to get more sleep. Ideally, I should be asleep by 9 pm, meaning I should be in bed by 8:30 pm. The worse part is that I'm not even including any of the extra stuff that I would like to do - like working out, spending time with Aamir, working on my novel, or spending time with friends.
I know this will pass and I just need to get into the groove but, it's hard while I figure all this out. Working full-time and caring for a child all while having a chronic illness is hard. It's times like this when I am very happy with my decision to stop trying for another child. Having a 2nd child to care for would be unthinkable in my condition - never mind being pregnant and trying to do all of the above.
See, I come home by 5:30 pm. I change out of my work clothes and get to work right away on eating dinner and preparing mine and Camran's lunch for the next day. I also clean up the kitchen, load the dishwasher and wash the non-dishwasher dishes. I usually finish around 7 pm at which point, Camran generally comes home from karate and I start his bedtime routine (which includes looking over his homework if he had school, go through his word lists, bath, brush teeth, settle into bed, read a book, stay with him while he says his surahs and duas and then 5 mins of quiet time). By that time it's generally 8:15 pm to 8:30 pm. Then I go for a shower, change into pajamas, tune into Jango, write a blog post, read the blogs I follow, catch up on facebook or other stuff I can't do at work which usually brings me to at least 9:30 pm. By that time, Aamir comes upstairs and watches TV.
Since I've started working, it now takes me up to 90 mins to fall asleep. I toss and turn and I just can't sleep. This is a foreign feeling for me. Before I got sick (or maybe it was because of the impending ill health), I used to be able to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. These days I don't sleep till 11 pm! That's too late. You'd think after all the stuff I have to do, I would just pass right out, right? But that doesn't happen. And it's not that I just don't need the sleep (like those wonderful Prednisone days). I do have trouble waking up the next morning and, even though I don't get sleepy during the day, I can feel myself depleted of energy by the time I have to repeat the evening routine the following day. The following night, I generally fall asleep within 30 mins but I don't think this is healthy.
So, at best, I'm getting 8 hours of sleep and, at worse, I get 7 hours of sleep. Not a big deal for a normal, non-lupite, I suppose. But given this condition, I really need to get more sleep. Ideally, I should be asleep by 9 pm, meaning I should be in bed by 8:30 pm. The worse part is that I'm not even including any of the extra stuff that I would like to do - like working out, spending time with Aamir, working on my novel, or spending time with friends.
I know this will pass and I just need to get into the groove but, it's hard while I figure all this out. Working full-time and caring for a child all while having a chronic illness is hard. It's times like this when I am very happy with my decision to stop trying for another child. Having a 2nd child to care for would be unthinkable in my condition - never mind being pregnant and trying to do all of the above.
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